Bruce Lawson’s personal site

Summertime whites

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Readers from abroad might not be aware that England has been experiencing freak weather conditions for the past four days:

In short, it looks like summer might be upon us. It’s not possible to be definitive because, like a Big Yellow Taxi, summer can only be properly diagnosed once it’s gone—so after the mists of June, the squalls of July and the fogs of August we might look back at early May and realise that, yes, that was the summer.

It certainly has all the hallmarks:

The last sign is something to be deplored. White English men are chiefly characterised by a concave chest and skin so translucent that, if you hold them up to the light, you can actually see intestines peristalsing fish and chips around.

Every schoolboy knows that on two occasions this dazzling translucence has saved our scepter’d isle: the Spanish Armada and Luftwaffe were repelled by every Englishman baring his chest simultaneously at the command of Queen Elizabeth and Winston Churchill respectively, thereby blinding the enemy captains and pilots and forcing a retreat.

Thereby, I make a plea at this time that may be summer: gentlemen, keep your shirts on. The balmy twenty degrees may compel you to bare your lily white pigeon-chests in a courtship ritual, but your country needs you to avoid a tan.

Thank you.

3 Responses to “ Summertime whites ”

Comment by Phil Nash

The window tells me it’s sunny outside but the weather widget on my dashboard tells me it’s raining. Classic British summer.

At least this may confuse the spontaneous sunbathers that are out every day (do these people not have jobs to go to?)

Comment by ppk

Same in Holland, and I can definitely confirm that the big yellow disk is in fact the legendary Sun.

I saw ithe Sun a few times in the warmer regions of the US where the natives were kind enough to identify and explain it.

The one we’re currently seeing in the sky looks the same to me. (Unless there’s two of them, but the legends insist there’s only one.)

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