Bruce Lawson’s personal site

“Which country does England play against in The Ashes series, and how many times have they beaten us?”

What was the name of Mrs Slocombe’s pussy?

lol @lachlan, I propose Bruce blocks all .au comments now haha.

How about:

What is the national dish of the UK:
a) Fish and chips
b) Curry
c) Chinese
d) Kebab
e) Roast dinner
f) All of the above?

Just thought of another question that would instantly identify true british citizens…

“My dog has no nose, how does it smell?”

At least they only make you do 20 questions when you actually take the test.

You study like a bastard, get into the test room, wait forever for all the checking and registration to take place, and then it just takes a minute to actually do the bloody thing.

It’s hideous. And it’s not just for citizenship now — you have to take it if you want permanent residency.

Ah. But the reason why it looks crap to most of us is that it is not aimed at most of us, it is aimed at people from other countries who want to live in the UK. It’s purpose is not to weed out the unBritish, but to give people a process by which they can grow more at home here, and if they become British citizens, give them a sense of achievement and belonging. My ex-students that got citizenship this way were very proud of their achievements, and rightly so.

This is not to say that it isn’t fun to make up our own questions, as Bruce has done, and the choices we make define our own sense of ourselves as UK citizens.

And I’m sorry for coming over all sensible. How not very British.

Wembley ’66, eleven minutes into extra time:

( ) the ball was behind the line
( ) the whole of the ball was clearly not behind the whole of line

[…] A few of us on twitter have taken the test, and despite being British by birth, none of us actually passed. This is likely for two reasons: firstly, we don’t actually feel that in order to be a productive British Citizen that we need to know in which year in the 19th Century did women win the right to divorce their husbands (indeed, Bruce has come up with a list of more relevant questions). […]

Don’t ever under-estimate the power of stupid forms in large numbers.

Hello again Bruce, I’m glad you’re still alive and one day I must visit you, though it’s so hard to find a road that actually stops in Brum instead of just going straight through it.

I failed too.

Frankly I was amazed. Not that I failed it, but that it exists at all in its present form. It contains virtually nothing of British contemporary culture. It is actually impossible for the average *British* resident to pass this test without an awful lot of preliminary studying and research, which defeats the point entirely. It smacks of either incompetence or fraud on the part of the responsible governmentalists, which smells from here like Phil Woolas and/or those who cling to his slippery pole at the Ministry of Fog In The Channel (Europe Cut Off).

Remember when Woolas was president of the NUS? He was an idiot then, he’s an idiot now, the only difference is that back then he was *pretending* to be a socialist. Nick Griffin must be winking and drooling with glee.

Speaking of Griffin, it was nice to see him getting pelted with eggs outside Parliament by Weyman Bennett, who (unlike some other so-called socialists – Zelda S. springs to mind) is and always has been 100% for real.

Anyway, I much preferred your version Bruce – it’s an honest, streetsmart and contemporary test of Britishness, and I think someone should start a Facebook or Twitter campaign to make it the official test.

Somebody should do it! I’d do it, but I’m too busy whining to actually do anything myself, and also if it did happen, I’d have nothing to whine about. There! I just PROVED I’m British…

Tarquin x

Which British blogger wrote the alt text: “Bruce Lawson, wearing a dayglo pink diamanté dress, a tiara on his blonde beehive hair, his lips enhanced by collagen and painted glossy red, shows his fabulous new 40 DD bustline”?

I just scraped 75% so can stay which is unfortunate as I was going to use it as and excuse to get out of work tomorrow – Sorry can’t come in have failed the UK citizenship test and must hand myself over to the Home Office immediatly ( I can not spell to save my life tonight!)

The reason they ask about the Church of England is that officially this is christian country therefore PCness doesn’t come in to it because its the country they are talking about not the people in it or doing the test.

Although a better question would be according to Eddie Izzard what would the motto of the Spanish Inqusition have been if the C of E had run it A) Cake or Death, B) Tea or Torture or C) Tea or Coffee?

Here’s my own question for the test In 70’s Dr Who what one thing, apart from the Doctor, always defeated the Daleks?