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Jokes that need Scottish accents

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Well, it’s been a bit tech-heavy round these parts lately, so a bumper crop of four Friday jokes today. Do your best Billy Connolly accent and tell these to a loved one.

Joke 1:
Q: What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
A: Bing sings, but Walt Disney.

Joke 2:
Woman to Scotsman: What do you wear under your kilt?
Jock: Put your hand up and feel.
Woman: Oh! It’s gruesome.
Jock: Put your hand up again, it’s gruesome more.

Joke 3:
Short-sighted Scotsman to a baker: Is that a doughnut, or a meringue?
Baker: You’re right—it’s a doughnut.

Joke 4:
This one doesn’t really require a Scottish accent, but it fits with he Hibernian Caledonian theme:

Q: How can you tell a Scotsman’s clan?
A: Put your hand up his kilt. If he’s got a quarterpounder, he’s a McDonald.

Thangkyewverymuch. I’m here all week. Try the haggis.

14 Responses to “ Jokes that need Scottish accents ”

Comment by Jeremy Keith

This one will require your best Sean Connery accent for the punchline…

So Sean Connery hadn’t made a film in a while and his agent was struggling to find something for him. Finally the agent gives Connery a call:

“Sean, I’ve got some guys who want to meet you tomorrow to discuss a deal. But they want you there pretty early. How about… ten-ish?”

“Tennish? I haven’t even got a racquet!”

Comment by Graeme

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf! (week-aff…oh, forget it…)

Comment by Chris Hunt

More tips for clan detection…

If it’s waterproof, he’s a MacIntosh
If it’s hard and black, he’s a MacAdam

If it’s not there, he’s a MacAvity!

Comment by Bill Lees

Hibernian theme? I thought it was Scottish jokes you were telling. Think you mean Caledonian theme, doncha?

Anyway, here’s a couple for you:

Q What made the hearse horse hoarse?

A The coffin.

Secondly, the tale of a wee Glaswegian on holiday in exotic climes, attempting to interrogate the expensively accoutred sailor whom he believes to be on shore leave from one of the luxury vessels moored in the harbour – it’s short and to the point :

Yaffa Yat? Whit Yat Yaff?

Comment by Chrs

ok, it’s an oldie where I come from but you might not have heard it.

Q: What do you call a Scotsman with one foot in his house and one foot outside?
A: Hamish.

Comment by Tony

“Janet I’m fed up with these hide and seek games…if I find ye I’ll fuck ye!”
“…..I’m in the cupboard…”

Comment by TomK

Definitely requires an understanding of a Scottish accent.

What’s got five toes and writhes about?

An epileptic fit.

Careful who you tell this one to as I’ve found out from personal experience.

Comment by Stuart

You’ll need to be of an age to remember the 60’s tv show and know what a fusspot dear old Janet was –
“Dr Finlay, Dr Finlay, would you like a cup of tea?”
“Ah Janet lass, can a man no have a shit in peace!”

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