Bruce Lawson’s personal site

Superpowers I wish I had

Car stereo silencing stare

I wish that, with just one withering glance, I could silence the stereos of all the dicks who drive around with crap music thumping and their car windows open so we all have to hear it. (And why do boy racers listen to such bass-heavy tuneless shit?)

Mobile phone remote acid-seepage

Continuing the wanker-behind-the-wheel theme, I would love to be able to flick my fingers and cause people who drive while yapping into their mobiles unimaginable pain by somehow causing Hydrofluoric acid to exude from the ear and mouthpiece. Obviously, not face-melting quantities (I am, after all, a force for good) but enough droplets to teach them a lesson. (And why do so many people hold the phone against the opposite ear from the hand they’re using?)

Being Lord of All Software

97.4% of software is unusable shit, particularly operating systems. After all the excellent karma I’ve accumulated by being a force for good in this life, I hope to be reincarnated as Lord of All Software, able to make it to what I want it to do, when I want it to do it, through my Mighty Will alone—without tweaking arcane config files, delving into obscure menus or memorising keyboard shortcuts that would challenge an octopus.

Automatic bare-chest modesty-iser

When lads wander by shirtless as soon as the winter recedes, I would wiggle my nose B-witched style, and their pasty bare chests would immediately be draped in embarrassing lingerie. Or a burka. It’s a public decency service.

The power not to be incredibly gorgeous and irresistable to ladies

Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t a megahot standards-evangelisin’ love-machine. Only sometimes, mind you.

What superpower would you like?

7 Responses to “ Superpowers I wish I had ”

Comment by Aaron Bassett

I would like to combine (sort-of) your stereo stare & Mobile phone acid seepage.

I would like the ability to cause any mobile phone to switch to playing any song I wish. That way when the Neds/Chavs/Scallies/Wankers are blasting out the lastest ‘2 cool traxz’ from the tinny little speakers on their phone I can make it suddenly start playing Dolly Parton or Cliff Richard – something that will really increase their street cred.

Comment by Apoorv Khatreja

My choice of a super power would be Instant Appetite Satisfaction. I want to be able to produce the most amazing and tasty variety of food just by wiggling my eyes and thinking about it 😀 .

Comment by AlastairC

The clean interface hand-wave.

Every time you get to a cluttered webpage, wave your hand in front of it and all the crap you don’t want disappears.

Comment by Bruce

Great ideas, all. I too would like to kill crappy mobile phone music, and also make people’s ear bud headphones become unbearably hot if there is snare drum leakage so I can hear it.

Comment by Gary Miller

The ability to instantly make idiots realise that standards compliant, usable and accessible websites do mean “How much extra will that cost then? Anyway, I run a B & B, I never get blind guests so just give me an ordinary site.”.

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