Holiday trepidation
It’s with some trepidation that I look forward to my holiday soon.
There’s the usual worry of booking a package tour—will the hotel be as nice as it seemed on the Web? will the transfer taxi be there? (Actually, I only imagine these are the “usual” worries; we’ve never done a package before).
But I have an extra worry. The last time I visited this town was in 1993 -1995 when I lived there, working as a musician and tarot card reader, and I left because I was run out of town.
The story goes like this.
Opposite the bar that I was working in was a small area where three female students would spread out a cloth on the floor which they covered with hippie jewellry that they’d made in the hope of selling it to tourists. During the quiet parts of the day I’d hang with them, and we’d smoke cigarettes and improve our command of each others’ languages. As occasionally happened when I was young and slim, one of the girls and I became especially friendly.
Towards the end of the season, I was playing my guitar in the bar, and an well-dressed gentleman in his early 40s came and stood by my stool as I took off my guitar for my smoke-beer-pee break. This often happened; people came up to request favourite songs for the the next set. He waited while I carefully put the plectrum under the corner of the scratchplate and put the guitar securely on its stand. And then he punched me in the face.
As I regained verticality, I asked him why he’d done that. “For sleeping with my wife”, he replied. I assured him that he was mistaken, and pointed out my girlfriend who was looking horrified and backing towards the door rather than racing forward to cradle me in her arms. “Yes, he replied. That’s my wife.”
Ignorance is no defence and although true, objecting that that she had neglected to inform me of her nuptial status was unlikely to mollify him. But he didn’t come back with a follow-up punch but instead walked out of the bar, leaving two of his friends behind who very politely informed me that the usual penalty for wronging someone’s honour in such a way is to stab them in the buttocks. The reason is that there are no major blood vessels there, so the victim is very unlikely to die. However, it’s the largest muscle in the body so would take months to heal and lying down, sitting or walking would be agony. It was emphasised that if I were to remain in town more than one night, this might very well happen to me.
I left the next morning for Istanbul.
Seventeen years later, I suspect that none of the protagonists still live there. And I suspect that the years have suitably transformed me from the slim, bronzed beach bum that I was then into an unrecognizable and expanded figure.
But if I’m back early, after begging for a standby ticket at the airport, you’ll know why.
Buy "Calling For The Moon", my debut album of songs I wrote while living in Thailand, India, Turkey. (Only £2, on Bandcamp.)
11 Responses to “ Holiday trepidation ”
You’ll be alright, mate. Just don’t take your guitar. Or sing. (Or sleep with anyone’s wife. natch)
Tarot card reader? Did you never see in the cards: “You are in great danger! Don a pair of steel-buttocked shorts”?
I shouldn’t have laughed, but I did. Sorry.
Haha, what a great story. I hope you’ll have a great vacation and wish you the best of luck in avoiding sharp knives!
Oh noos, you were a victim of Rape by Deception!
OTOH, do enjoy the holidays. We will try and keep the internet quiet while you are gone.
Wait. You read Tarot cards? :s
Nice reading. Good luck then..
“standby ticket” being the operative word, if the worst happens. Sounds like you narrowly missed becoming some sort of “Freudian archetype”.
[…] This time around, I’m proud to bring you the wonderful Bruce Lawson! He’s an evangelist for Opera for open web standards, co-wrote the great book Introducing HTML5 and is without a doubt an adventurer. […]
Are you going to wear arse armour, just in case?