Archive for the 'Friday joke' Category

Five things carrots can do that HTML5 can’t

I saw the marvellous 10 Flash Things You Can’t Do With HTML5 and it made me realise that HTML5 is rubbish.

In fact, it’s not even as good as a humble carrot. Here are five things carrots can do that HTML5 can’t, presented by Dr Archimedes Einstein.

(Captioned HTML5 video on Monday when I’ve worked out how to do it – it’s my day off and kids are nagging me to go swimming.)

Oh, and here’s the gag reel.

Friday joke for Bill Lees

My old mate Bill “not too socialist to wear shoes” Lees complained about the absence of Friday jokes. So just for him:

Two guys are stuck in the desert, close to death, lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….

“Hey Bill, do you smell what I smell? I’m sure it’s bacon!”

‘Yes, Bruce, it smells like bacon to me.’

So, with their last resources of energy, they crawl up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

Bill races towards the tree. As he approaches, there is a rattle of machine gun fire, cruelly cutting him down. “Bruce, go back!” he cries as the life ebbs out of him. “It’s not a bacon tree. It’s … a ham bush!”

Jokes that need Scottish accents

Well, it’s been a bit tech-heavy round these parts lately, so a bumper crop of four Friday jokes today. Do your best Billy Connolly accent and tell these to a loved one.

Joke 1:
Q: What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
A: Bing sings, but Walt Disney.

Joke 2:
Woman to Scotsman: What do you wear under your kilt?
Jock: Put your hand up and feel.
Woman: Oh! It’s gruesome.
Jock: Put your hand up again, it’s gruesome more.

Joke 3:
Short-sighted Scotsman to a baker: Is that a doughnut, or a meringue?
Baker: You’re right—it’s a doughnut.

Joke 4:
This one doesn’t really require a Scottish accent, but it fits with he Hibernian Caledonian theme:

Q: How can you tell a Scotsman’s clan?
A: Put your hand up his kilt. If he’s got a quarterpounder, he’s a McDonald.

Thangkyewverymuch. I’m here all week. Try the haggis.

Friday joke

Down in the tube station this morning, I heard a busker playing “Dancing Queen” on the Didgeridoo. I thought, “Now that’s aboriginal”.

Guitarist joke

Q: What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A: A rock guitarist plays three chords in front of thousands of people.

Man with a sore knee

A man goes to the doctors with a sore knee.
The doctor says, “You’ll have to stop masturbating”.
“But why?” asks the man.
The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you”.

Atomic Friday joke

Reader Chris Brown sent in this gag which came via his daughter from her science teacher, Mr Brent Butler.

An atom goes into a bar and orders a drink.

After finishing his drink, he reaches into his pocket to pay the bartender,
and says, Oh no, I’ve lost an electron!”

“Are you sure?” says the bartender.

“Yeah,” says the atom, “I’m positive!”

And this is a bonus one, from Chris himself:

Q. You know who’s been together forever, been through a lot of crap, and
are still together to this day?

A. My arsecheeks.